Greetings members of the Andromeda galaxy. As I’m sure you just saw live on your ESPN: Galaxy broadcast yesterday, the New York Jets have officially introduced the worlds’ most famous backup quarterback to New York in a broadcast you’ll likely archive in your vast collection of some of the most important moments in human history.
Following NFL broadcasts from 2.6 million light years away, I’m sure that like the rest of us, you’re wondering whether Tebow in The Big Apple is a good thing or not for the Jets and for Tebow’s future. Based on the amount of coverage the Jets quarterback situation has received, you’re probably wondering if we’ll direct you to Tebow or Sanchez when you arrive and ask us to take you to our leader.
With that introduction to Earth, I’ll count down the top 10 reasons why Tim Tebow coming to the Jets could blow up in our faces.
10) Hell’s Kitchen
I’m not so much worried about Tebow turning Times Square into Tim’s Square as Skip Bayless put it so eloquently. However, I do worry for the residents of Hell’s Kitchen in Midtown, Manhattan when Tebow chooses saving the residents as his next mission?
9) Sanchez’s Psyche
Sanchez was already a mental head case before Tebow’s arrival. With Tebow and the Jets fans breathing down his neck in his make-or-break year, Sanchez may completely shatter under the pressure.
8) Broadway Teb-oe
Tebow was on the front page of the New York Post after hitting the town to see Wicked on Broadway. Pray, Ashton Kutcher doesn’t Punk him by tricking him into attending a showing of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s Book of Mormon.
7) Sanchez and Tebow As Neighbors
Reportedly, Tebow is considering renting a home near Mark Sanchez in the Trump National Golf Course community in New Jersey. If the Jets struggle, and Tebow brings a new enthusiasm to once toxic homeowners meetings, Trump could decide to personally evict the Jets quarterback. It wouldn’t be out of his character either. If Tebow is still livjng in the neighborhood on Christmas, he’ll spare no expenses to outshine Sanchez and assure that his Christmas decorations are seen from space and attract the wrong type of visitors from the heavens. Not you guys. If your reading this, I’m sure you’re cool.
6) The Weight Room Biceps Curl Rack
Brian Billick has already advised Tebow to cut down on the muscle mass to improve his passing mechanics. Newly-signed safety Laron Landry couldn’t cover a Cup O’ Noodles because he’s spent so much time doing curls and taking cell phone photos of his massive arms. Tebow doesn't need that sort of bad influence in the weight room at this junture in his career.
5) The Altitude-Gravity Relationship
Tebow’s lack arm strength in Denver was widely criticized in Denver but it may get even worse in New York. Think about it.
The formula for the relationship of gravity to altitude is g(at height h) = g R^2 / (R+h)^2. Basically what is means is R= the Earth’s radius of 6378 kilometers and without calling the nearest Columbia University physicist I’ll summarize it like this. The relationship between gravity and altitude is inverted. As the altitude decreases on a location on Earth, the gravity increases.
Mile High Stadium was a mile above sea level. New Meadowlands is only 100 feet above. Some of Tebow’s best passing performances including his win over the Jets and Steelers came at home. I’ll let you plug in the numbers but that cannot bode well for Tebow.
4) Third String
Getting traded to the Jets makes him the third-string quarterback in New York behind second-fiddle Mark Sanchez and the other Manning. Eli may want to avoid Tebow at all costs. He seems like the vengeful type.
3) Three Blocks And A Cloud of Dust
The sidewalks of New York are crowded around this time of year. Tebow What happens to his squeaky clean image when he has to get bailed out after growing agitated on a congested sidewalk during an evening of sightseeing and decides to lower his head and barrel through a few dozen unsuspecting people?
2) Kim Kardashian
A few months ago, Kim Kardashian ended her 72-day marriage. In Earth time that’s only two and a half of what we call months. Soon after, she expressed interest in dating Tebow and began attending church again.
According to Vh1, she and her sister Kourtney have taken over New York. Of all the off field distractions in sports, a Kardashian is the worst. Yes, worse than the Madden Curse(which he’s also still in the running for). She’s dated both Miles Austin and Reggie Bush during disappointing seasons. In a short time, she turned little known Kris Humphries(whom I assume she thought was Blake Griffin) into the NBA’s most hated player. Khloe is arguably the most grounded sister but that hasn’t stopped her from becoming such a distraction that the Lakers felt compelled to trade her husband Lamar Odom for a mid-level exception. Even before coming to New York he’s receiving a demotion, what else could go wrong? Kim Kardashian has the potential to send Tebow into a dark, dangerous spiral downwards—like many of his underthrown passes.
Youtube awaits the awkward Moment When Rex Ryan brings his wife around the facility and recites The Story of Christ humbly washing The Feet of The Apostles To Tebow.