Hello there, sorry for the late recap. Stuff has come up. I'll warn you, the final episode recap might be held to the weekend too. Oh, and I know about Revis so uh ... this'll be weird, eh?
Anyway, let's do this. Exciting credit sequence! Nick Mangold's laundry! Woo!
We open at the Jets training facility in NEW JERSEY. Omniscient Liev notes that "something's missing" and Anthony Lynn, the defensive backs coach, knows it too. He asks his bunch to find something. Matt Cavanaugh, QB coach, says the team's all looking to each other to make a play instead of, as he puts it "taking this fucking game over." Lynn says that it'll have to come from the locker room. From there, football practice action montage! Rexy acts delightfully with Braylon Edwards and his beard, which have seen surprisingly little screen time this pre-season.
Hey, did ya'll know Rex Ryan says folksy witticisms with the candor of a sailor? Omniscient Liev for sure has. Rexy's a regular Dan Rather. Stuff like "That dude is an ugly motha'" and "He's big as shit." Rexy notices that other than blocking, receiving and running, they look good. He also points out that the schedule is tough, but wants to send the message that they're real.
Hey, its a Darrelle Revis plot! Omniscient Liev notes that there were some "mysterious reports" that he might be headed back to the Jets this week. By "mysterious reports" do you mean how Tim Cowlishaw tweeted that Revis Island was totally headed back, but then he totally wasn't, but now he totally is anyway? Not much mystery there, Omniscient Liev. The coaches are totally calling Cowlishaw out here, too! Mike Tannenbaum as well! This is awesome, as Tannenbaum has no clue what's up here. Woody enjoys it too. These guys spend too much time on the internet. Tannenbaum says they'll be "the last to know."
Now Rexy's concerned about all the money going to Mangold's head, because Rexy and Mangold were both at Taco Bell last night. I can't totally tell if they're serious or not. Sanchez TH's to make it clear that he deserves it, because I'm not sure who was challenging that he didn't. This feels like a made up story to make things more interested. Or that Sanchez didn't have enough screen time this week and they needed something. Oh, and Marky Mark's wearing a Taco Bell hat. Are they paying for the subliminal advertising?
Matt Slauson and Vladimir Ducasse are battling for the left guard job, and it remains one of the more heated battles in camp. Slauson almost got Sanchez's knee hurt "exactly like Tom Brady" and it seems Ducasse may be the guy. Omniscient Liev knows that he's raw, and from Haiti. Story! Bill Callahan notes that he's transferring from a different position. He hasn't looked amazing in the first two games either, Rexy snarking that he "got beat like a drum." Schottenheimer, Rexy, Tannenbaum and Boss Woody discuss.
Then, a laundry montage! You know, I spoke to some cameramen and producers from Hard Knocks when I was at the stadium for the Jets-Redskins game (did I get on camera? Stay tuned!) and I noted that the Nick Mangold doing his laundry in the opening credits thing was a bone I felt I needed to pick with them. So now we have a montage of guys doing the Jets laundry. Thanks, fellas. I know you're reading.
Brian Schottenheimer's running class. Mark Sanchez is totally in a lot of this episode, so the Mangold thing is even more unnecessary. They want Marky Mark to be more organized, and do crazy things like purchasing a binder to hold all his notes. Even the new guy, veteran Mark Brunnell has one. For God's sake, Kellen Clemens has one. Just go to friggin' Staples and get one, dude. All of a sudden, later, Sanchez shows up in the room with a binder. Then, he changes someone's wallpaper to a unicorn pissing rainbows. it's Brian Schottenheimer's, who notes "Fuckin' Sanchez ... dickhead." Other great Sanchez pranks include drawing mustaches. Sigh.
The Jets currently have four QB's, including Kevin O'Connell, who may be on his way out. He rubes that he really wants to be a part of the team. Then there's the sad story of Kellen Clemens, once the Jets QB of the future. Matt Cavanaugh keeps trying to help him. Clemens TH's about how rough it is. Sanchez is glad to have Brunnell here, but worries about Clemens and O'Connell, while Clemens just wants another chance to be a starter.
Mike Tannenbaum wants to "adjust" Clemens salary, meaning that they'll lower it, but it'll be all guaranteed. Clemens is like, uh, no, and Tannenbaum says he would cut him if that happened. Tannenbaum laughs, evil genius style. Clemens looks worried at this. Maybe if he'd learned how to draw evil mustaches on people's kids, he'd be in better shape. Kellen likes it here, and Tannenbaum really wants him here, but they both clearly have terms that need to be met, or Kellen will be gone.
Glamour shots of the Jets eating lunch! Man, now I know why there were fewer episodes in previous seasons. Braylon Edwards and Santonio Holmes are sitting around, as Rexy enters, almost sitcom-esque. He notes Homes is starting to grow some facial hair, and worried that he'll be the next Edwards. Omniscient Liev notes that Edwards is Michigan and Holmes is Ohio State, and they need to compete - Bachelor-style - for Marky Mark's affection. Guys, you know all you gotta' do is stay within 20 yards and he'll throw it to you. Holmes is going to be suspended for the first four games of the season for ... steroids? Or something. Oh, and Bobby Bowden's on campus for some reason. I wonder what its like to be the most corrupt man wherever you walk?
Now were going to get some depressing Lavernaeus Coles stuff, because he totally got cut. Omniscient Liev notes that he's in his 3rd term as a Jet. Rexy praises him, saying that "the guys" love him. Rexy just wants to give him an opportunity in a meeting with Tannenbaum. Tony Richardson's place is also being questioned. Anthony Lynn looks like he doesn't really want to do that. Schottenheimer notes these feelings. Schottenheimer calls him an icon, and Tannenbaum notes that it's difficult because Richardson has guaranteed money. Rexy likes both Richardson and Coles.
Now John Conner! Cue Terminator jokes! I don't know any! Mike Westhoff and the special teams gang do a bunch. Apparently they have a play set up for him, and run it during the Panthers game, where he apparently "kills" someone. Rexy's delighted. I am too. Rexy shows off his new toy in the film room, and now the coaches/GM all discuss him.
Omniscient Liev discusses the Lombardi Trophy, and how its drawing Jason Taylor (whom Liev lists the wrong number of) and LaDanian Tomlinson for one more shot at Super Bowl glory. Then Jason Taylor has some directional problems, and LT talks about how rejuvinated he is. Great stuff. Let's see how you do in the regular season, if only this weren't just a training camp show.
Another Jets field trip! Where we going this time? Apparently into the city. Oh, its at Hofstra. Lame. Apparently there's a scrimmage going on tonight. This seems like an easy way to get players injured. Jason Taylor is also having problems getting there. Why didn't he take the bus? He got lost or something. Rexy announces that the players should be sharp, which I guess LaDanian Tomlinson thinks means "eat a burger," because he's been around Rexy and learned the language. Santonio Holmes notes that it's "gangsta". Not just burgers, McDonalds burgers. Hope they got fries too.
Another scrimmage where the offense appears to look better than the defense, it seems. Sanchez connects on every pass they show. The Jets fans prove they can spell. Then one runs on the field. He chooses to run way too late and gets tackled. He'll spend weeks in jail for that. The Jets are pretty funny about mocking him. "Everybody give a hand for the jackass who ran on the field!" one player says apathetically.
The Jets coaches are getting them ready for their third game, which Donovan McNabb will miss. As Mike Westhoff notes "Redskins? Fuck them." Indeed, sir. Rexy speaks to the team about how positive he feels about the team, but that he needs someone other than him to lead. Rexy claims he's "not a great leader. I can't lead, myself, this whole group of men." He thinks the Jets won't win if no one else steps up. Oh Rexy, you are a great leader, don't put yourself down. He claims the defense was "a jackass" for eating burgers before stretching. But LT did too! Somebody call him out! He complains about the offense too. He finishes with "Let's go eat a goddamn snack!" which is the greatest end to a speech ever.
We show Jason Taylor in his fancy Mazerati, and Omniscient Liev proceeds to narrate a commercial where Taylor is late again. He claims that he's on the open road in New York. See that's his first problem, he's in friggin NEW JERSEY! Stop this. This is why you're showing up late. One of the nice Meadowlands parking folks gets screentime telling him where he needs to go. Great stuff.
Mike Westhoff compliments Rexy on his speech, and they jabberjaw about stuff. Hey, didja see? Tony Siragusa's in the background. Boy, its sad that this is the thing I noticed most about the speech. Rexy speaks to the team before the game, wanting to "beat this team's ass." He leads them out and says a prayer. As you know, I don't recap game action, you've seen all this nonsense before, but Nick Mangold makes a joke at Albert Haynesworth's expense.
LaDanian Tomlinson looks good. Santonio Holmes fumbles. Sanchez throws an interception in the red zone. Kris Jenkins has problems with the refs during a kick block. Bart Scott gets nailed and initiates with a Redskin. Mike Pettine exclaims "This fuckin' Bart guy." I assume he calls him that all the time. The score is 6-5 at halftime. Another worldbeating game from the Jets. Sanchez continues to take hits due to the left guard problems. Calvin Pace is out. Sanchez throws a TD, but the Jets lose. Rexy talks about how everyone needs to step up. He's clearly frustrated.
Back in New York! Yay. On fifth avenue, Braylon Edwards tries out suits and scarves. In Times Square, Brashton Satele talk about how big the place is. Edwards continues to look for the right fashions, and notes that he's discovered a gray hair. Maybe if you cut the beard it'd be gone. One of the players notes he's only 27. Jason Taylor's kid had a boxing ring bed, which is the greatest thing ever. Mike Tannenbaum plays Wii Boxing with his kids. Man, they're the best, most violence-encouraging dads ever.
Kellen Clemens has to decide: paycut or leave. Clemens doesn't want to be overpaid or underpaid. Tannenbaum says how he practices will dictate how much he makes when his contract ends after the season. Tannenbaum really thinks Clemens needs to become Rexy's guy. Clemens basically says "Well played, sir," and is impressed with the GM's argument.
Tannenbaum and Rexy are discussing who stays and who goes. Rexy doesn't want to get rid of Tony Richardson, and feels letting him go would signal the Jets changing who they are. All of a sudden, it is cut day. We get to see guy after guy get cut, and the look of hopelessness on their faces is terrible to see. Tannenbaum TH's it like a guy who's done it a million times before, sadly. He wishes them good luck.
Kellen Clemens and Lavernaeus Coles get their fate decided. It looks like LC will get cut. Rexy says that they have a great shot of keeping him, and they can't pay him the full season. Uh, isn't there like, no salary cap this year? This is stupid. Rexy really wants him to stay and lead. He tells him to enjoy his vacation, but to "get ready to come right back." Coles leaves regardless. Clemens has decided to accept the paycut, which means that O'Connell is getting cut. You feel kind of bad, because he probably would stay if Clemens hadn't took that cut. Tannenbaum doesn't say this, though. Football's rough.
Rexy and Tannenbaum seem happy with what they have, but no expensive backups. Tannenbaum: "You can't keep 'em all." True enough. Rexy says that he wishes he could keep them all. He talks to his team about how he hated letting those guys go. "Some damn good players right there."
NEXT WEEK! Hot tubs with Rexy! Final Roster Cuts! Fullback battle! Season Finale!