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Red Bulls Still Play Coy About Thierry Henry

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It's an extremely poorly kept secret that Thierry Henry will join the New York Red Bulls tomorrow. (In fact, his Wikipedia article already lists him as a Red Bull.) But, for their part, the Red Bulls are doing everything they can to make it well known that there is some sort of secret revolving around Red Bulls soccer involving some mysterious star player. 

The Red Bulls are currently running three TV spots on local sports networks about the mystery man, who, for the sake of being as comically transparent as the Red Bulls are, we will refer to in this post as "Schmierry Schmenry".

So you're telling me there's a great soccer player coming to New York, who at one point in his career, wore shorts that said "Arsenal" on them, and he's apparently a light-skinned black guy. That doesn't remind me of anybody I know.  Especially nobody named Schmierry Schmenry. It's probably Arsenal's Theo Walcott. THEO WALCOTT IS COMING TO NEW YORK! Oh, wait, it's Thierry Henry.

Someone's jersey is hanging in the Red Bulls locker room! It's probably that of New Zealand international Andrew Boyens, which has taken on an ominous, eery glow since his return from the World Cup, even though he didn't play a single minute for the all-Whites, who, by the way were the only undefeated team in the World Cup. Way to go, Boyens!

Man, think about how long it's going to take that poor guy to customize all those Boyens jerseys after his phenomenal World Cup performance for New Zealand! 

So, uh, yeah, these commercials are all about Thierry Henry.